Wallowing.

Today is one of those days that I truly wish I could just stay in bed.
Between ending a friendship that needed to end, my childhood friend Candy dying, and this hurricane that threatened to cancel a much needed vacation - I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
 I know the vacation part is incredibly selfish as the folks in the northeast are trying to recover from Sandy (that bitch.) but as my dear friend Rhonda Egan pointed out - travel keeps me sane. Having lived through many a hurricane and knowing full well how bad they can be, I should be thinking about how to help. I am not. I am wallowing in selfish self-pity and wondering if H&M will be open and if Pete and I still get to eat in and wander around Chinatown. I am wondering how badly my flight will be delayed and how difficult getting a taxi will be at LGA. I am wondering if the bagel production has been affected.
As for the rest of it - I would like to take a Xanax and sleep until my plane leaves on Friday. Candy's death has affected me more that I expected. We haven't spoken in so long and yet I am so very very sad. Her obituary essentially put me on the floor for half an hour. It's not fair to be taken so young and to not even get to know your newborn child. It's not fair at all.
And the friendship, it's strange how realistic and practical I've become in my old age. Relationships end. Just have to find a way to move on and not dwell on the pain but instead remember the joy it once held.
It's a beautiful day in Lafayette, La. The sun is shining. The air is crisp. I am glad I am not in bed. I am glad that I work every day to make Lafayette a healthier environment for all employees. I am grateful for my friends and family.

That being said, if I could, I would stay in bed and try again tomorrow.

Murray's Law (Bill Murray, that is.)

Twice a month for a while now I've been attending lunch with two of my best boys, Lane Wiley and Andre Rodrigue. We have called this time our Personal Development Meeting. We talk about personal goals such as fitness and dating and working on our mental health. There is a great deal of laughter and picking on one another. There is support for the changes we desire to make and  suggestions on how to reach such goals. And often, like today, there is great wisdom. I'll be honest, I don't even remember how this came about today...I believe we were discussing the cinematic masterpiece that is MEATBALLS...
At some point Andre reminded Lane of what he called "Murray's law." Seeing that I clearly was at a loss Andre looked at me and said, "Bill Murray." He then went on the explain that Murray's Law was the exact opposite of Murphy's Law. That as opposed to the usual line of "If something can go wrong, it will go wrong" Murray's law states "If something can go right, it will go right." I am not going to lie to you - it took me minute to process this. I felt like maybe I should run out and get this tattooed somewhere I could easily see, every day, all day long. It is a complete shift of mindset.
The thing is I've been trying to get my health in check since I was about 7. I have no concept of being thin or waify or post baby-fat. My baby fat is 37 years old. And after much thought today I realize that as much as I want it, as much as I've dreamed about it, as much as I think about it - I don't know that I've ever really believed it to be possible. I'm a big girl. I've always been a big girl. The idea that maybe that is not who I fundamentally am but maybe just who I've just settled being never occurred to me. Until today.
If something can go right, it will go right. Damn. That is some deep shit. That is some life-altering, soul-shaking stuff. I am a worrier and realized today that I have been going at all of this the wrong way. I have spent more time worried about others' perceptions than my own. I workout with the mindset "It can't hurt." I eat well with the mindset "this will counteract the boudin cookoff" or "this will make up for that cupcake splurge." (Y'all know I love some cupcakes. I mean it is hand-sized cake.) But what I want to think and now will begin to think is "This exercise will help me be healthier" and "This healthy meal choice will help me feel healthier." This is not just to counteract the bad but a move toward building the better. No more gimmicks. No more quick fixes. I can be a healthy girl. She is in there. This can go right.

My health can go in the right direction. My weight can become "right."

If something can go right, it will go right. Thanks, Andre and Lane. I have some great friends.

Go team.

My friend Candy Settoon.

Facebook is an amazing thing that revolutionized how we keep in touch. When I moved away from False River in 1990, I kept in touch with a few friends for a while. We wrote letters. I  traveled to see the Gators play football and basketball games when they were nearby. I invited myself to parties and attended graduations and Homecomings. False River Academy in my heart has always been home and my classmates were family - no matter how far away or how long we went without talking. When I joined Facebook I found almost my entire class from FRA. I loved it. I still do. I love seeing their kids and hearing about their lives. I love that we all interact with one another as if we see each other regularly. Which I guess virtually, we do.
Facebook is not always full of good news, however, and that is the case today. My friend Melissa Gatlin (who in my mind will forever be Melissa Day) asked for prayers for our classmate Candy Settoon. Candy recently had a baby and due to complications has slipped into a coma. It doesn't look good and her family and friends are hoping for a miracle.
I must admit that I haven't seen nor talked to Candy in close to 20 years. She isn't on Facebook, that I know of. She hasn't been seen in others' photos. I know she is in Baton Rouge. That's most of what I knew, until today.
I also know that Candy and I were good friends as kids and this news hit me like a punch to the gut. I immediately thought about riding three-wheelers in Morganza, harassing cows, and me holding on to Candy for dear life. She always rode as fast and as carelessly as possible. Her brother Eric was always nearby wanting to join us and us being mean, teenage girls, refusing to let him in to our world, would scream and laugh and ride away.
On a trip to Texas once with my family, Candy came along as my guest. We were riding a three-wheeler through the East Texas piney woods, with Candy driving, as fast as possible. We were staying on Lake Sam Rayburn, near the beach. We could hear the waves crashing and just as we hit the fastest speed possible, Candy reached forward and turned off the light. I screamed like a baby and Candy laughed - squealed really - and just said, "Don't worry! I do this all the time!" I thought we would die. Candy knew we wouldn't. Fearless.
We got back to the camp and stole a bag of Oreos from the kitchen and stayed up all night laughing and talking about our friends and school and life, in bunk beds. It's one of my favorite memories from my youth.
I am not the type to pray, but if anyone can get through, it's Candy. She is fearless. And I am hoping for the best with all my heart.

Earrings.

My new earrings from Red Arrow Workshop in River Ranch. Love them!

Flowers.

My favorite.

Cupcakes.

I love these cupcakes for Halloween...

Here we go...

I have wanted to write a blog for some time. I think as a late 30's (ahem), single, liberal, southern girl with a good upbringing and lapsed (read: missing and discarded) religious training I am probably not alone. But wow does it feel like it.
I know in my brain that I would "fit in" better in a larger more liberal city but my heart is in Louisiana. I find it as hard to stay here as I do to leave. For better and worse, there is nothing like south Louisiana.
Flowers. Earrings. Cupcakes. These are things I love and wish were delivered to my door regularly. So my blog reflects this. There is a deeper meaning behind the name. We will get there.

This blog will evolve with me. Health. Career. Dating. Dancing. We shall see...